vaedariella

I don't blogg anymoree :( (balance)

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 15:05:29 GMT

Valerie says:

yeah.! anywayyyy you don't blogg anymoree :(

haha yeah val, i know i don't. So this one is for u :)

I've actually been writing on napkins and stuffing them into my diary. I don't know why, but writing on napkins makes me happy, and it feels so unpretentious, like my words do not need to be placed on white paper, scratched out with ink and fountain pen (though I want a fountain pen).

Recent thoughts:

I like balance.
Meaning I like company when I know I can be alone, and I like being alone because I know I have friends.
I like the idea of moving out and staying alone because my mother lives with me---I live with my mother, and I can appreciate living with my mom when I am alone.
I like walking in the rain to remember the dry and windy days, as much as I enjoy playing in the wet and cold.

I'm only twenty, and if I get married I'll have the rest of my life (60? I hope) to live as married. I guess I'll do fine to appreciate living life alone for a while. I do have the rest of my life to be married and living with someone.

I think I understand why teenagers (and young adults) go to clubs and get themselves drunk and dance. I mean, apart from loving the music, the dancing and the booze, it's the sense of rebellion from the normal, structured, conventions. It's doing something different (along with the rest of the world) and feeling free.

But I don't want music loud enough to spoil my hearing, I don't really need to know how I'll be like if I get drunk. And yes, while I like the dancing (or I like to dance), I do realise that the way I dance only screams to get attention, and it's most likely that I'll attract the attention of the wrong kind. And seeing how naieve and silly I am and can be about people and motives, that's not a good combination.

So is there a place where the music doesn't kill your ears, where people can dance, and not have the wrong sort? (And preferably opens at 5 [pm, not am {since I have a curfew of 9}]? )

I guess there are, but still I'm not too interested. I think I will go into a club one day. But I hope I have a pair of ear-plugs then.

It's the holidays and I'm stuck on my books. I haven't finished Persuasion, not even mid-way through Midnight's Children, stuck on The Curious Incident of the Dog (something something), and I'm hicupping through The Logic of Life. hm.

Well, I guess I'm not so bad after all.

Mika! I hope you bring back P&P&Z!! I wanna borrow and read!

Hmm, have I had enough nonsense?

I think so.

Goodbye!

(grin)

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:59:14 GMT

Hello!

I'm supposed to be studying for the exams. :)

But it's okay, I'll study more tomorrow.

I just had Alec's 201 exam on... Thursday. And I left way too early. I thought the exam ended at 11, and I finished around 10-ish, except for question 1b and 3e, cos I couldn't remember for the life of me what Alec was asking for. (Note to self: Morphological typology was on isolating, polysynthetic, agglutinating and fusional languages, and grammatical categories were about inherent, relational and agreement thingys - categories) Anyway, I wanted to get out early and not squeeze in with everybody on the bus, so I left about 1030-ish since you can't leave in the last 15 minutes.

But since I got the time wrong, no wonder Alec was so surprised when I said I was done. "Oh you're leaving?? Okay. Bye!" :) He thought I was going to the toilet. :)

Anyway, I only realised when simin called and told me that the exam was gonna end at 1130. No wonder I planned to meet my friends at 12 and not 11... Hmm.. :D

Spent a happy time looking at fountain pens in Harris and Popular. I want one now, but I shall wait until Sherman leaves, so nobody will think I'm copying him :P

Oopsie, I'm supposed to only blog for a minute or two, and I've been typing for about 6 minutes. :)

French and Discourse and conversation on monday. I have no idea how I'm gonna do for both, but I'll just wing it and let it be. I like having no expectations this year--semester.

Though I still like my As. :)

What else do I need to say...

Yup, I think I am done now. Nothing left. Can't wait for the holidays, because I want to go pick up skills on trading shares, or go belly-dancing. Either one's fine.

Note to self: Prologue has a 3 for 2 sale and there are books I want to buy.
And Popular is gonna have an expo sale in decembre -- December.
Oh happy day.. :P

Wheeeeeeeee...

Now where's my tranquiliser?

hehe

angry.

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 15:38:02 GMT

You want to F* with me, fine, I'll handle you, but don't you bloody dare fuck with my man. Don't even think of chastitising me about the expletive. I'm not gonna tolerate this.

I have worked hard enough to handle all the anger, the crying, the depression and the pain. I know enough to want the peace and pleasantry, with all the intellectual stimulation and the comfort and safety. I am not gonna allow you, you f*ing a* b*, to throw it all away. No, you don't wanna f* with me, and you don't wanna f* with the people i hold dear to me.

Don't try to push the button because I will shove you hard.

going back around in a circle

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 16:01:18 GMT

It is surprising that science simply proves what we should have known all along, like how we should be attracted to people by smell and taste. But they do tell us why. When we're attracted to people by smell and taste, we're looking for people who have different immune systems, which will result in babies with strong immune systems.

It's funny. When I look out for you, there is nothing for me to find. And when I give up, you suddenly place things there.

questions and things.

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 15:49:59 GMT

When a carton of orange juice says the use by date is the 23rd, are you still allowed to drink it on the 23rd?

Why do people not stick to one blog? (including myself)

Why am I still on the computer when I know the excess usage of electricity is making the world hotter and I'm complaining about the temperature already?

Why is it that when I look at brands now, I get this strange urge to want to buy whatever is advertised on the newspaper, when I used to be able to look and brands and go "yeah, ok. whatever"?

Why do I suddenly wish I was rich?

Why can't I make up my mind about how much money I want to make in a month?

Why can't I play with the stock market?

Why do I forget the things that I used to know as a child?

Why have I not grown up?

What does it mean to grow up?

Why do I want to be (of all things) a model?

Why do I find studying easier this time?

Why was the first year so hard?

Why do I feel disappointed that I am not in Oxford or Cambridge when I used to be proud that I'm in NTU LMS?

Why do I suddenly want to look for my Peranakan roots?

Why do I not want to go overseas to study?

Why do I not know how to take care of myself yet?

Why do I not know that I am hungry until I am really hungry?

Why am I asking all this?

And the last question - Why do I want so much to be an oddball?

When you want to be different,
Don't expect the world to accept you.
Yet you want someone to understand you.
And you spend your lifetime searching for that person.
You spend your time trying to stay close to that person.
Making sure you don't lose that person.
People seem lonely when they don't find someone who understands them.
Actually, they are.
How come I'm blessed to have already found two?
I want to be an oddball.
I chose to be.
I remember knowing that I will be different.
Knowing, not just thinking about it and properly choosing.
Like as if the choice was made for me, by me, a long time ago.

We spend our lives doing things, looking for things,
when all this while,
its all inside.
Everything just waiting.
To open up from inside.
But we forget them,
keep them,
or see them but not understand them.
Until they are kept at the bottom of our hearts and minds
trying to find a way into our quiet hopes and dreams.
I wonder what life would be like if we all set them free.
Not everyone would be happy, of course,
my freedom ends where yours begins.
But it is inside the things that we are drawn to
The books we read,
the songs we sing
the art that we draw or look at.
They are in the games we play
the things we learn
the things we touch.
Each tiny little thing hoping to trigger your memory
Each colour, each rhyme, each melody, each twist and turn.
There are some things we like
For almost no apparent reason at all.
Look at them carefully.
Watch them again.
Who knows,
maybe they'll touch something
soft as the gentle breeze in the infinite edges of your mind.

believe.

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 16:35:51 GMT

This semester seems a lot better than the last one I had.

When I read, I open my mind to a lot of ideas. When I read Harry Potter I understood fear. That we needed to face our fear, that maybe all we need to do is "riddikulus" (pardon me if I've gotten the spell wrong), meaning to imagine the thing that we fear and make it funny (Neville put Snape in his grandmother's clothes, Ron put rollerblades on a giant arachnid). Harry's fear was fear. I wonder how one overcomes that. I think I fear the unknown.

When I read Pride and Prejudice (or when I read the abridged version of it first), I understood the importance of mutual respect in a relationship. That understanding and acceptance is crucial, whether one reaches it through a series of conflicts and arguments, or one falls nicely into step with the other.

I was reading Slaves of the Mastery when I realised that I was open to the idea that people could feel things, understand things, feel objects with their mind and then go on to talk to things, move things, control forces that most people would call magic.

Maybe it's all the years of reading Enid Blyton. I don't really believe that all we have are just fairies, gnomes, elves, witches, talking plants and animals and flying houses. Maybe that's just a part of it. I "upgraded", if you will, from Enid Blyton to Charmed, Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Harry Potter. Each with their own version of magic.

I realised that some of the things I currently think about, I already allowed to enter my brain when I was young.

Now, if you're a very conservative thinker and you don't like "funny ideas", this is the time now to stop reading and change the url. Now. I mean it. You have been warned.

In Slaves of the Mastery Bowman has special powers because he is the child of a prophet. He is able to quiet his mind and allow the feelings or vibrations of objects, animals or people to enter his mind. This way, he understands people, and is always the first one to know what people feel. This is very much like the idea of "tuning in", where we try to seek the feelings, impressions, or "vibrations" of things animate and inanimate, like trees, people (obviously), and even things like stars and colours.

Of course, in the series, the author goes a bit further to allow Bowman to knock a dude unconscious with just his mind, and also allowed him to fly. Maybe that's a little far fetched. Or maybe that's just a far possibility.

People like whatisname-Criss Angel call themselves illusionists. That's just a subgroup of magician. But catch him in episodes where he's flying in mid-air, and I wonder if he actually knows how to manipulate forces beyond what we scientifically know and are able to prove.

Maybe we're not the type who can pick up a piece of wood and wave it like a wand. Maybe we're not the kind of people who can utter a bunch of incantations and create sparks and lightning. But I think I know that we are able to tap into sources that are powerful.

This is where I have to stop. I know things that I wish to share with the world, but I believe the information is already out there, said and written by the many who have found it before me. I am only not allowing myself to share it because I am, by social norms, not supposed to have the catalyst by which I realised the information. That, for the rest of the world, is a regret.

Now I need to sleep. I can only hope to learn more.

she remembered... (vaedariella) and other stuff and nonsense.

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 16:55:12 GMT

She sits on the bed by the windowsill and she thinks of all the things they have done.

She, usually forgetful, silly and apathetic, remembers the words she said to him, and she regrets some of the things she had said.

She can also hear his voice in her mind if she told him what she knew now.

"Honey, when we first started, I wanted to make you my wife. But you told me that you didn't want to. You opened my eyes to see that you were happy this way, possibly never seeing each other again, missing each other for days such that our meetings were looked forward to, such that we were always on our best, though normal, behaviour. You broke my dreams when you told me that, remember?"

And she did.

"And everytime something went wrong, everytime things got hard between us, you always tried to pull away. You even tried to pull away when things seemed to be going right."

And she remembered. She remembered the nights she had fought with him, she remembered always mentioning that she would leave him, she remembered how afraid she was, how she didn't know how to feel, or even react, when all she knew was that she could leave and it would be over.

"I was unhappy, but I learned to love you with the same, careless way that you seem to love me."

She couldn't even bring herself to imagine his eyes. She couldn't stop now. Her brain had been working on this monologue for days, and the voice in her head carried on despite desperate attempts to stop.

"We've built our relationship on that basis. That things might not last, that we might have to suddenly leave, that every meeting that we have is a gift, that our absences from each other served to make us treasure each other. And now you tell me you want to marry me?"

Hurt, sorry, confused, she wanted to tear at him, wanted him to understand. She had changed since then, she had likely grown more insane. She wanted to try, she thought. She wanted to see. She wanted to know if it was possible, if their love was enough to fight against the normal life as they knew it. Yes, she had seen that couples don't make it. Yes, she knew that that people who are completely in love start to change the moment they get married. But still she wanted to try...

And she realises that the chances are slim, and she realises that the costs are high. Her wanting more could be the one thing that could cause them to break.

She had seen around her, in life, in recent years, that some people do things and get punished. And some people get rewarded. She remembered that everyone has to bear the cost of their action, whether trivial or grave. She wanted to curse at her immaturity, she wanted to know which train of thought of hers would be right. She wanted to plead, she wanted to cry, she wanted to get a grip on herself as well.

And she remembered that she was dreaming. And she was glad to be alone, watching the moon rise and setting her crystals aglow.

Hey, this happens when my imagination mixes with my memory. I'm alright. Really. I'm not mad or depressed or angry or delusional. I'm fine. *(Chocolate chip cookies.)*
Disclaimer: this post is not meant for anyone. I'm just taking fragments of emotions and blowing them up. I'm just writing for myself to read. I'm just letting things flow.

When a man loves a woman
(Michael Bolton) aka the screamin at the last bit of the song dude.

When a man loves a woman
Can't keep his mind on nothin' else
He'd trade the world
For the good thing he's found

If she is bad, he can't see it
She can do no wrong
And turn his back on his best friend
If he puts her down

When a man loves a woman
Spend his very last dime
And trying to hold on to what he needs

He'd give up all his comforts
And sleep out in the rain
If she said that's the way, it ought to be

When a man loves a woman
I give you everything I've got
Trying to hold on to your precious love
And baby baby please don't treat me bad

When a man loves a woman
Deep down in his soul
She can bring him such misery

If she is playing him for a fool
He's the last one to know
Loving eyes can never see

Yes when a man loves a woman
I know exactly how he feels
'Cause baby, baby

When a man loves a woman
When a man loves a woman
When a man loves a woman
When a man, when a man
When a man loves a woman

Funny, guess we all seem to love the same way.

waaa.. the last episode..

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 14:57:16 GMT

It's Time For Sayang Sayang

There seems so many things that lie before us
There's just so many things we want to do
But let's just stop and pause
For just a moment cause
We should do something special...me and you

It's time for sayang sayang
It's time for sayang sayang
Caring for one another
Family and friends
It's time for sayang sayang
It's time for sayang sayang
As we go walking together, hand in hand

The time that we all love is here to treasure
A very special time of the year
These days we're sure to find
These days of yours and mine
We'll share them with the ones we hold so dear
(Hold so dear)

It's time for sayang sayang
It's time for sayang sayang
Caring for one another
Family and friends
It's time for sayang sayang
It's time for sayang sayang
As we go walking together, hand in hand

As we go walking together, hand in hand

ramble ramble ramble to the full rising moon.

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 12:14:41 GMT

It's full moon tonight. And I'm watching it rise from my bedroom window. If I stay still long enough, I'm actually able to see it move. Funny how it seems to get smaller, or am I deluding myself?

I need to breathe, I want to stretch my arms out.
I want to be able to feel the sun's gentle rays warming my skin.
I want a place I can hop around in.
Jiggle, bob, and move.
No matter what my mom tries to give me,
or I ask for or get myself,
I still feel
stifled.

Sometimes, it's no longer about the physical.
Sometimes I want to have a place where my mind will be stretched.
Sometimes I want a place where I can think.
Dream, imagine, and write.
Sometimes, even when I'm interested and apply myself,
in some part of my mind or other,
I still get
bored.

Does the moon get brighter because the sky is darker?
Or does the sky go black as the moon goes white?

I should be doing my assginment,
I should be reading my readings,
I'm blogging instead.

I wonder if I am in introvert inside, or did I just learn to be one?
Now, I have a limit to the amount of interaction I can have.
Whether for the day or for a person or group.
I remember I used to get (still do, in fact) sick of michelle.
I wonder why I'm applying it to others as well..

I guess going to malaysia for the weekend is a good thing.
It gives me time to miss the people here
and get my mood back to be happy with them.
But I can't help but curse and swear that it takes time away from my hands.
Time I could have used to study (but think about it. I won't.)

Hey Universe, May I?

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 06:06:17 GMT

I need to get this out of my system first before I can study.

In today's newspaper, in the Life section:

"Wanted: Young Actress

Actress Tan Kheng Hua is looking for a young actress for a play she is directing called The Composer.
Written by Ken Kwek, the play is about a man, his wife and the six other women in his life. It will be staged at the Esplanade Theatre Studio in December.
Tan is looking for an actress to play the sixth woman, who is one of the man's lovers. The character is 18 years old.
She must be available for rehearsals as well as the performance, which runs from Nov 14 to Dec 20.
A strong command of English is required. Acting experience is useful but not necessary.
The audition will be held at the Esplanade on Sunday from 10 am to 6 pm.
Register at the stage door facing the carpark on the mezzanine floor.
For details, call Kay on 9636-6667."

Ask me what I want for my birthday, and I will tell you that I wish I could pull this off.

Even if the exams fall during the start of the period, even if my mother disagrees, even if I can't even pass through the first round of auditions, I wish I could just try this out.

But I can't. I'll be out in Malaysia this weekend. Even if I did plan a semi-elaborate excuse to tell my mom why I was going out, I won't even be here to carry the plan out.

But my life would have been so much more amazing if I did pull this off.

Hey Universe, may I?
You mind consipiring this for me?

I am insane.

I have at least 10 chapters to go through, an assignment to complete, and two presentations to work on (one for french, one for com205), and I only have a few free days (read: today, or what's left of it and friday night). Did I mention that this is my one week break?

This weekend is gone for Malaysia trip, and the next weekend, while I'm excited and grateful, is gone for my birthday too.. Sometimes October isn't a nice month to have your birthday in.

I'm counting on the few free days before the exams to look through my notes again, and I'm still wishing and hoping that I could join the play.

But thing is, I really want to...

I want to try out so many things, and try them out when you're considered "young". Like acting, singing, performing, entertaining, running a business.. I really really wanted to go clubbing when I was in JJ, when the choir girls told me that there were clubs that let them in, just with a special tag that marked them as "underage". As a newbie, you're treated different. I found it highly amusing when Yi Yan said that the guys actually asked for her permission to put his hand on her waist, just because she had that tag.

I even have a list of insane things that I'd really love to do.
1. Become a model for Bobbi Brown
2. Spend a year with Richard Branson (this is a new one)
3. Hitch a ride in a truck/lorry
4. Sit in a police car (not for a crime, thank you.)
5. Belly dance.
6. Pole dance. (both the athletic and strip kind)
7. Well, graduate from NTU LMS with first class honours.
8. Make half a million by the time I'm 30.
9. Make a million by the time I'm 40.
10. Own something like the Banyan Tree Resorts.
11. Or own a private island.

Hm, I wonder what psychologists would think when they see that I placed my graduation in between pole dancing and making half a million.

My body has a funny way of telling me it's tired. It makes my nose start running.

Thing is, my nose has been running since yesterday, and I don't feel too good.

I'm making myself stressed by repeating all the things I have to do in my mind.

I really want 10 days away from my mummy. Lemme do what I want to do without accommodating to your schedule, or anyone else's for that matter, please.

I want to buy Richard Branson's autobiography
I want to buy the mint foot cream from the body shop
but my problem is, if I don't buy it myself, I won't like it.
So please don't be insulted if I say I want just money for my birthday. Because really, it makes things easier for everyone.
I don't like cards sometimes, especially when it's just a bunch of signatures, like "oh hey, here's the names of the people who bought you your present. Please remember to buy them a present too".
Sorry, I'm indulging my bad mood.

I really wish I could audition for the play,
and I really wish I was more on top of things
especially my moods and feelings.

Ok. Load off me.

Time to head back to Van Valin and La Polla,
and time to send out better vibes.

Oh, one last insane thought. If you know how I hide things in my blog, you'll see the thought. If not, I'm sorry. Not for you to see.
I want to communicate.
With the birds, cats, and trees.
I want to be able to reach out to people and listen to them.
I want to be able to close my eyes and listen to the world, to the universe, and then open my eyes and continue hearing them in the backgroung while I do my work.
But I don't want to just listen, I want to be able to talk back too.
I want to be able to tell them what I'm thinking as well.
If we are really co-creators, then why are we not able to communicate anymore?
I need to remember how to listen, I want to know how to talk.
I want to be able to communicate with you, and when I say you, I mean you who are reading this papie, God, and myself.
But maybe I don't have to need, or want. But I do need some direction on how to just be.

to the Universe: How 'bout conspiring with me?