She sits on the bed by the windowsill and she thinks of all the things they have done.

She, usually forgetful, silly and apathetic, remembers the words she said to him, and she regrets some of the things she had said.

She can also hear his voice in her mind if she told him what she knew now.

"Honey, when we first started, I wanted to make you my wife. But you told me that you didn't want to. You opened my eyes to see that you were happy this way, possibly never seeing each other again, missing each other for days such that our meetings were looked forward to, such that we were always on our best, though normal, behaviour. You broke my dreams when you told me that, remember?"

And she did.

"And everytime something went wrong, everytime things got hard between us, you always tried to pull away. You even tried to pull away when things seemed to be going right."

And she remembered. She remembered the nights she had fought with him, she remembered always mentioning that she would leave him, she remembered how afraid she was, how she didn't know how to feel, or even react, when all she knew was that she could leave and it would be over.

"I was unhappy, but I learned to love you with the same, careless way that you seem to love me."

She couldn't even bring herself to imagine his eyes. She couldn't stop now. Her brain had been working on this monologue for days, and the voice in her head carried on despite desperate attempts to stop.

"We've built our relationship on that basis. That things might not last, that we might have to suddenly leave, that every meeting that we have is a gift, that our absences from each other served to make us treasure each other. And now you tell me you want to marry me?"

Hurt, sorry, confused, she wanted to tear at him, wanted him to understand. She had changed since then, she had likely grown more insane. She wanted to try, she thought. She wanted to see. She wanted to know if it was possible, if their love was enough to fight against the normal life as they knew it. Yes, she had seen that couples don't make it. Yes, she knew that that people who are completely in love start to change the moment they get married. But still she wanted to try...

And she realises that the chances are slim, and she realises that the costs are high. Her wanting more could be the one thing that could cause them to break.

She had seen around her, in life, in recent years, that some people do things and get punished. And some people get rewarded. She remembered that everyone has to bear the cost of their action, whether trivial or grave. She wanted to curse at her immaturity, she wanted to know which train of thought of hers would be right. She wanted to plead, she wanted to cry, she wanted to get a grip on herself as well.

And she remembered that she was dreaming. And she was glad to be alone, watching the moon rise and setting her crystals aglow.

Hey, this happens when my imagination mixes with my memory. I'm alright. Really. I'm not mad or depressed or angry or delusional. I'm fine. *(Chocolate chip cookies.)*
Disclaimer: this post is not meant for anyone. I'm just taking fragments of emotions and blowing them up. I'm just writing for myself to read. I'm just letting things flow.

When a man loves a woman
(Michael Bolton) aka the screamin at the last bit of the song dude.

When a man loves a woman
Can't keep his mind on nothin' else
He'd trade the world
For the good thing he's found

If she is bad, he can't see it
She can do no wrong
And turn his back on his best friend
If he puts her down

When a man loves a woman
Spend his very last dime
And trying to hold on to what he needs

He'd give up all his comforts
And sleep out in the rain
If she said that's the way, it ought to be

When a man loves a woman
I give you everything I've got
Trying to hold on to your precious love
And baby baby please don't treat me bad

When a man loves a woman
Deep down in his soul
She can bring him such misery

If she is playing him for a fool
He's the last one to know
Loving eyes can never see

Yes when a man loves a woman
I know exactly how he feels
'Cause baby, baby

When a man loves a woman
When a man loves a woman
When a man loves a woman
When a man, when a man
When a man loves a woman

Funny, guess we all seem to love the same way.