Today begins my walk with you
Where you go, I go
Where you stay, I stay
When you sleep, I will sleep
When you rise, I will rise
I will pass my days
Within the sound of your voice
And my nights
Within the reach of your hand
And none shall come between us
(that's all i ask)
This I Vow
~Firesong by William Nicholson
I am perfect, whole,
powerful, strong,
loving, harmonious,
and happy.
Because when you write bad stuff, you need to write happy stuff too.
Now that my brain is finally empty of all the thoughts I've been having this week, I realise that I've forgotten to write about the happy things too.
Yesterday was actually really fun. We went bowling at downtown east (I think) and then we went to eat at seoul garden. Major rip-off, the latter, but then again maybe I haven't gone there long enough. The final bill for three came up to be about $132.
Bowling was fun though. I think my best score was about 100 in a game. Had a few gutter balls and a few strikes and spares. Did what my brother used to do by going at it backwards, with my left hand, and with the ball between my legs. Bought the socks that they sold there because I forgot to bring my own, and I'm rather glad. There was definitely a shoe/foot pong at the shoe rental counter.
Threw away the socks right after the game. I know it's not the best thing to do, but it feels nice to be able to throw something away just like that and not be all "oh no I should keep this and reuse it and not throw it away."
Even though seoul garden was expensive, it was definitey fun cooking the food and not having it all burn. The tom yam chicken is really nice. The place was either too small for a whole range of food or maybe all the seoul garden outlets have gone high-tech, but the place resembled a sushi bar because we had to click on a computer to get the food we wanted. Only the drinks and desserts were on the shelf.
And guess what? The never-ending pit of hunger (aka me) actually became full, and I had to make an effort to go get dessert, much to everyone's surprise.
Today isn't as much fun now though. I guess I must be really unfit because my butt and back hurts from all the bowling. I'm walking like a cowboy gettin' ready for the one-on-one shootout. Yup, that must be really attractive. :D
So yes, even though I seemed moody yesterday (day before), I actually had lots of fun. Whee!! Thank you for happy days :D
1. Burberry body perfume. 2. To get my eyebrows neatened. 3. To let my mother know where I really have been working these past three years and for her to take it peacefully. 4. For the books to do well. 5. For the company to do well, surpassing all expectations. 6. For me and all my friends in LMS to do spectacularly well, especially with this last semester. 7. To find my right motivation in life and then succeed.
Have I been working at less than 100% this year? Yes, I've only been working at an average of 60% of what I can actually do or give.
Can I do more, can I give more? Yes, but I don't seem to want to.
But I don't want to be the girl with the potential and not the girl who is succeeding. In this case, "potential" is such an ugly word.
I understand why some of my girlfriends want to wait for marriage to have sex. It's just the logical thing to do when you're going to do it for the rest of your life/so the first time will be special/you know that your partner is committed to you for the rest of your life/if you become pregnant then it's okay let's keep the baby and raise a family together.
But what about some of my other friends who don't want to get married, and don't want to have kids? Then there is no "special time" for when you get to say, "okay, now we can have sex."
In a relationship like that, sex is the exact way to tell your partner that there is not only mutual love in the relationship, but also mutual trust and respect for one another. Having sex both shows and says that yes, I want to be with you, and while I can't promise you forever, I can and want to promise that so long as I can make it in this relationship with you, I want to make it and stick around.
If the wedding vow is simply a social construction, one to organise society and to make things explict and therefore much more easier for the group to handle, then sex is the vow that the couple make to each other.
The wedding vow means nothing really - sex makes it real. You can have an empty wedding and an empty marriage if you don't act on the vows (and have sex) , but you cannot have sex without an exchage of vows, at least in a serious relationship. Even sex with a prostitute includes a few vows - do not recognise each other in public, do not cheat each other, do not take the other's life.
Everytime I read something that details how men are from mars and women are from venus, I just take it lightly and dismiss it. But I'm starting to wonder lately if I'm actually one of the women they describe. Because I just noticed how I like to talk just to share my ideas, just to let you know what I've been thinking lately. Come on, I have a blog for god's sake, and if that's not me just talking for the sake of having someone to listen then I don't know what is.
Maybe it's all true, that I just want someone to listen to me, and not to give solutions even though I seem like I'm complaining all the time.
One thing I think I need to worry about though, is how we've been treating each other lately, because how we treated each other today simply lacked any mutual trust and respect. Perhaps the way we've been playing has gotten too far, and I need to stop wanting how we play and pull back.
Anyway, I'm putting the next video up simply because when I first found out about it, it was nowhere near christmas. So this to make up for it. : )
At first Borders closed, and I figured it was due to competition from Popular and Harris and maybe even Prologue. It's sad to see the big place go, and the ony regret (apart from buying more books) is that I wished I bought the mobile that was on sale for $20.
Then I started noticing that all the book shops were having some sort of mega clear-out sale, and I figured it was the usual end-of-year clear-the-stock season, as well as a move to compete with Popular's Suntec sale the same way Funan had their own sale when the Sitex show was going on.
I was comforted by the thought that at least Harris was close by in Jurong Point, but then Harris suddenly closed, moving out to god-knows-where.
Is something going on here? Not a good feeling when I want to write books for a living...
Anyway...
Has anyone seen the new Burberry Body commercial? It's superficial but I have a love-hate relationship with the thing.
Makes me want to buy the perfume and the trenchcoat. Damn.
Next year, I want to be able to go to a T. Harv Eker seminar. I want to be the gorgeous girl in a beautiful white draping dress, not the kinda fat girl always in a polo shirt and jeans. I want to have a month of blemish-free skin, especially on my face. I want to graduate from LMS with second upper class honours. I want to have finished reading The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy series, and then I want to read A Series Of Unfortunate Events.
What's bugging me is that the honeymoon period is over. I've been trying to ignore it for a while, and I've been trying to pretend that I don't get annoyed, but it's real, and it's there.
It took us 3 years, and that's already quite long.
I don't know when it started, maybe when I made you mad at the stadium, or whether it was because we were always so stressed, even on my birthday, but I know we've started to take things for granted - I know I have, and things which would have passed our notice have become things to have little fights about.
Maybe it's because we've gotten used to each other and then let the other things in life get between us. I'm glad that we've had a major breakthrough in the office, and that work is coming in gradually and at the right pace and time, but I guess we've let "us" take a backseat for a while because we see each other every day anyway.
I need a list of all the wonderful things that you do for me and to me more than I need a list of things that annoy me. And I've already started it in my mind.
I need to start another list - things that I can do to make sure I take care of you too.
If you actually think about it, there's so much you can do to keep healthy. Exercise is more than just going for a jog - now there's weight training to go along with aerobics. Food is getting more complicated as well - there are so many choices and still we're found to be deficient in so many vitamins and minerals. It sounds like paying attention to your health will take so much of your time that we'll practically have no time left for living!
Sure there's information out there and you always have the option of educating yourself, but the moment you try to sit down and take it all in is also the same moment you realise that there's so many things that contradict.
I just went for a Reiki course/seminar over the last weekend and the teacher started talking about nutrition alongside the mind-body connection (and of course Reiki). She said most of us are zinc-deficient (especially sexually-active guys because your stuff has to contain zinc to successfully propagate the species), and zinc-deficiency leads to white spots on your nails, premature greying, and a higher chance of cataracts forming (Keven joked that the old wives' tale of going blind with excessive *ahem*-ing is probably real, since the body starts taking zinc away from other parts to make sure the ejaculate comes out okay).
Keven also talked about improving your memory, reducing gall stones, and gave us a lot of information about minerals and their required doses.
So, being the good girl that I am, I'm online checking up Blackmores, the brand she mentioned, instead of doing my FYP or studying for my Language and the Brain quiz on tuesday (happy birthday.) Oh glorious distractions! :)
Anyway, Keven said that while multi-vitamins are better than no vitamin supplements, going straight for what you want is better than multis. I don't think I want to spend an exorbitant amount of money on pills (glucosamine chondroitin already costs $85), so I'm looking at multis. Unfortunately, I'm already bamboozled by the tiny differences in the pills. There are the every day multis, the ones specifically made for men (performance) and for women (pregnancy. Sexist, much?) and there are tiny details like how the mens' multis have antioxidants to beat free radicals but womens' multis have folic acid instead. And then some pills have a healthy amount of certain minerals and then fall short of others. Even more interestingly, Holista (a brand my mother is taking) has multi-vitamins that contain about 1000% of the recommended dosage of some minerals too! Now why the heck did they do that? It's driving me insane. They have 330% of Vitamin C (which is guess is a good thing since it's water-soluble and can come out in your pee), and only 35% of Biotin, which supports your memory.
Peeing vitamins reminds me of a scene in the sole episode of Big Bang Theory that I watched. The neighbour and the nerdy guy were grocery shopping one day and he saw her pick up a bottle of vitamins. Not knowing that he had been irritating her all day with facts, he mentioned that all she was doing with the pills was to get "really expensive pee". When she replied, "What if that's what I want?", the nerdy guy then grabbed another bottle off the shelf and said, "then this is really what you're looking for."
Really makes you wonder about the 330% vitamin C dosage.
I guess that's the nature of learning new things. If I really want to keep healthy, then it has to be information overload for a while, unless I simply spend the money to go look for Keven or a nutitional planner. Keven did muscle testing on this girl after the reiki course and she was able to tell her, "you are deficient in zinc, magnesium etc" in about 30 seconds. Sounds awesome.
Maybe I'll go join a gym too. Weight training. hmm.
Anyway, I should go back to studying for my Lang and Brain quiz. And after that start my FYP and study astronomy for the astro quiz in a few weeks.
Sorry for the recent spate of god-damn-suicidal notes. I'm back to normal, if you can consider working late but not for FYP normal (yeah... that's normal).
Anyway, there has been a lot going on recently, with us rushing out a few books (when are we not rushing you ask? Well, I don't know), and me doing last minute work on homework, and learning how to drive secretly (well, secretly from my parents, that's it. Bloody driving test costs $182. Can you believe it??)
But yeah, been stressed and tired and "cannot take it", "want to quit" and "I can't do it anymore" has become so common in the chatter of my mind that I just let them talk and got bogged down by them.
To the disastrous results of [to?] myself, of course.
So now let's go back to being me: the cuckoo, normal, happy me. The one that can take anything, go anywhere and sing almost any song that would have otherwise annoyed me (nah, let's not do the last one).
It's 12.32 am, I'm tired, I just analysed a paper on the "Neural basis of an inherited speech and language disorder" and I haven't read my readings for HG - whatever language and brain is - and I haven't been to a full astronomy lecture yet.
What have I been doing.
Well.
Working...
:)
*kiss*
Funny, I slack all day and you tell me I'm a high-performer. Haha. And now why have you gone missing? Yes, I noticed, but there was never a right time to ask you. hm. Come back.
If committing suicide was such a sin then why couldn't He make life easy?
Just when I thought I was finally okay with my friends, I made my partner angry.
Just when I thought we were about to heal, I made my parents angry.
And at that time I was trying to put myself first and take care of my partner and my family, I made my friends angry.
I can't win, can I?
People say women can multi-task and are good at the emotional side of relationships. I'm not a woman then.
My mother used to tell me to not have so many friends, because the more friends I had, the more trouble they would bring. What if I said that I'm finally okay with all my friends, but not with you, mother?
It's the same problem again - I opened my mouth. And I don't do enough. And everytime I try to make things right on one end, I mess up another.
What's the point of getting a husband when one day he's going to act like a pig?
What's the point of having a daughter when one day she's going to emotionally slap you in the face?
Might as well just find a hundred different lovers who will preen before presenting themselves and carry themselves well.
Might as well fund an orphanage, sending little girls to school because they will be forever grateful.
Because the support and love and relationship in a family is overrated.
Why does everything that is worth it have to be so hard? You can have jewellery made from clay but no, everybody wants the gold and diamonds mined from deep within the ground.
What's the point of the Law of Attraction if I can't attract everything to come to me easily?
There's no point asking for a million acquaintences who will smile at you daily, when we'd all rather 5 good friends. 5 good friends with whom 1 mistake may cost you all the good humour that you took 5 months, 8 weeks, or even 6 years to create. But it's these 5 good friends who will forgive, forget, and let you talk about things that matter to you, and give you good advice about it, unlike an acquaintence.
I'm too tired to die. Too lazy to lift a finger to pull the trigger. Thinking about falling off a builder is easier than actually walking. But I will get up, And I will start walking. "It gets easier if I start walking," I think. We're such masochists for pain.
I will wake up tomorrow morning, To do what I did today. And so my laziness keeps me alive. Just for one more day. If god made suicide such a Sin, Then why couldn't He make life easy?
I need more money. That's the solution to it. Either I make so much money people stop talking to my face, or I make enough money that I can move out and live life like a hermit.
